(9-365) Focus

9 days into this project and I one benefit that seems to be paying off is self-awareness.

Since I have made a commitment to write every single day,  I keep an eye on myself; sort of like self-observing myself on how I talk, walk, eat, sleep, think, etc.   Because of all that I have learned,  a new picture of myself is slowly emerging.

Yesterday, I spoke about me not reaching out, missing lots and lots of opportunities.  Today, at work, my focus was to make an extra effort to learn more about the people that crossed my way.  Even though I was partly frustrated for my lack of customers,  I did make an effort to get to know the people I helped a little more.  I noticed how much more I need to practice.  I noticed that when I am nervous, words don't seem to come out of my mouth, and when I do force myself to say something,  It feels like literally pushing the words one by one.  At those moments,  I don't sound natural, but like an immigrant who recently came off a boat by the waters of Miami.

In other words I don't project what I really am inside out to the world.  Yesterday I spoke about how we, with the tool of language, create ourselves.  And quite frankly,  I am not making a good job at presenting myself as I should.

I am not giving myself enough credit.  When I feel comfortable and relaxed, and at ease, I do express myself correctly.    And I have to say that when I am relaxed I behave as anyone would behave when relaxed: funny, comfortable,  present,  resourceful, etc.

Working on the law of attraction is not a walk in the park.  Like anything in life, it requires commitment, work, faith, and a lot of focus.  I find myself spacing out lots of times, thinking about problems,  frustrations,  fear,  resentment,  sadness, loneliness.  Most of the time I think "oh my god, I am 37 years old, time is running out for me." Asking myself "At this age, will I ever meet anyone worthwhile?  Will I ever get a hold on my finances?  Will I get the love and respect I deserve?  Will I learn how to get more discipline and have more friends and be respectful to others?"  These are my fears.  And by just mentioning them on this paragraph, I get the feeling that this is where I am right now.  These is what I am attracting into my life at the moment.  My focus must be changed.

Thinking positive thoughts every once and a while, or praying from time to time cannot help me in anyway if most of my days are spent on feeding on those fears.  Just like I decided to once and for all change my unhealthy diet (I am eating more greens now, less coffee, and more green tea,  exercising more, etc.) , I can decide right at this moment to change how I think about what I mentioned above.

I mentioned somewhere on this blog that I was separated from my wife with whom I have a thirteen year-old daughter.   For a few months now, she has been asking me from time to time how the  divorce process was coming along?  I thought that she wanted to be free quickly perhaps because she were planning on getting married to her boyfriend.  But tonight she call me out of the blue to tell me the reason she was so interested in getting that out of the way was because she was pregnant.  Even though I consciously know we are never going to get back together,  and that it was the best decision to separate,  I can't lie you and tell you I wasn't shocked to hear the news; I was.

I lived with Olga for 8 years and had a daughter with her.  Even though I wish the best for her,  it's tough to see her move on.  Now I don't have any other excuse but to force my attention on moving forward.  I have faith that that will be so.

To give you an example,  my daughter Hannah is starting High School on September.  I have this summer to sort out my financial issues and help Olga with Hannah's tuition.   And it will happen, with God's help.

The focus from now on, is to change all those negative emotional states I mentioned above into all its counterparts, and work on thinking on them on all my waking hours.  Instead of feeling uncertain about my future, I declare that my my future is very bright and that it is filled with a lot of joy.  Instead of fearing that I am getting old and running out of opportunities, I declare,  that God favors me.  I am still very young and filled with opportunities.  Thousands of men older than me have made it and I have the same opportunities as them.  I declare that I am getting a hold on my finances.  With God's strength, I can overcome any obstacle and I do it always.  I declare that I am surrounded by amazing people.  I get along with all my family members.  I have deep respect for them.  I love them and they love me.  I am receiving now their love.  I declare that I have a lot of amazing friends, and that it is very easy to meet new people  and become their friends every single day.  The world is filled with good opportunities.  I declare that I have a lot to offer and that God has the right person for me, and that I am now ready to meet her.  I am now ready to accept all the blessings of this abundant universe.  I am going to pray like this every day.  Pray with me.

Thanks for reading.